Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
