My liver just broke up with me...
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
