they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
