if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
