if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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