based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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