thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
