i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
