Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
