just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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