I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
