you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
