good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
