I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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