it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
