Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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