I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
