we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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