Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
