there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
