I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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