Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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