Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
