dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
