I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
