they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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