her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
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