ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
