I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
