Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
