Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
