yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
