And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Randomize
