Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
