mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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