My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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