I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
