If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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