I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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