The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
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