Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
