Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
