I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
