Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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