I checked into jail on foursquare
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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