you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
