So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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