Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Alive.
So much puke
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
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