I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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