You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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